Why do therapists need therapy?

When you were in grad school, attending the first class of almost anything, what was the question you heard most? For me, it was, “Why do you want to be a therapist”? Inevitably, the easy answer is, “I want to help people.” Some variation of this answer is what almost every student answered.

Now, this is true. We really do want to help people. But it goes so much deeper than that. I have learned over more than two decades in this field that helping people is the bare minimum. We want so much more than that for people. We want to help them make sense of the world. To understand what their role is, what they want for their lives and what they value. We help them to create more authentic lives. We help them cope with trauma. We give them skills to feel better even when they feel at their worst. We even sit with them when they do not want to live; when they can no longer bear the burdens they face on their own. We do this because we care.

I’d say it is also far more profound than that. We get into this business because we need the exact same thing! I have never met a fellow therapist on this journey that is not also actively healing in their own way. We have our own traumas to conquer. We have our fears, self-doubts, and emotions to manage. We have our own relationships we need to either repair or lose so that we can be whom we need to be. We need to find where we stand in our own way so that we can move and get what we want. We are our clients.

I recently started back in therapy myself when I had a really bad reaction to meeting my ex-husband’s new partner. I want him to be happy. We did not make one another functional or healthy, and our relationship didn’t work. We have a son whom we try to be good parents to. My reaction came out of left field for me. I thought I had processed all my anger, grief, and pain associated with my leaving 5 years ago. I found out how wrong I was.

In my work with my new therapist, the 5th I have seen in my lifetime, I’ve rediscovered some trauma from my childhood that was a stiff pain point for me. I had not allowed that little girl who felt abandoned and dismissed, the time and space she needed to heal that wound. I didn’t know she was still in there until I exploded with the anger I have not had in years. I had no intention of harming my ex or his partner with my words (the partner didn’t get any words, but my ex did after the fact). I am truly happy for them. He deserves happiness and to be loved. I knew this was my issue to figure out.

This little girl who needed healing is also the same person that reacts badly when clients express anger and take things out on me. ‘I am here to help, so why are you screaming at me?’ was always in the back of my mind. I know my clients were frustrated with a system that was preventing them from feeling like their needs were met and that I was just an available face for this larger system. Their anger, which had nothing to do with me, was the single most difficult issue I have had in my work with my clients. Noting their anger, acknowledging their hurt, taking the personalization out of it, and being able to see their pain points that led to their anger was extremely difficult for me. I can know anger always has a cause and it is almost always not at all to do with being mad. I know it is rooted in sadness, hurt, or an unmet need at some point in their life. It was hard to be present and not get defensive when it triggered my own inner hurt, scared child with her own unmet needs.

Why did it take me so long for this lightbulb to go off? Because seeing the things we dislike most in ourselves in our clients is hard to sit with. We can often see things so clearly for others, but seeing it in ourselves is like falling into a black hole. If we don’t heal our broken places, life will keep throwing us clients that trigger our issues. We cannot help them from a place of being genuine and authentic until we have that relationship with ourselves.

And that my dear, lovely therapist, is why you need to get the help yourself. You deserve to have the peace and calm that you give to those you help. You are worthy. As soon as you start telling yourself that the sooner you can feel better in your work, the more growth you and your practice will have.